Stuck in a piercing darkness, doused with excruciating pain, I’m beckoning death to answer my call. It is the only ending to my misery. I welcome death, I long for it, with outstretched arms and an icy embrace. The present condition of my life is now feasting on any hope for my future. The light at the end of the tunnel has completely vanished because I’m in too deep. Drowning in the sea of life, taking my last breath, as I disappear into the shadows of the abyss, a realm of unknown in which I’ll remain forever.
That is a glimpse inside the mind of someone who is suicidal. You may ask me how I know this information, and I will answer, because those were my thoughts. Yes, I tried to kill myself on more than one occasion as a teen.
My childhood was far from a cakewalk. I have seen and experienced things that no adult, much less a child, should ever see or experience under any circumstances. There were moments that I feared death and moments I craved it. It was a means to an end. The only way to once and for all be free, I could be eternally rid of the pain in me, ultimately escape the misery. Although death was sometimes attractive to me, it was always a little beyond what I could reach.
I believed that I was not worth saving. I believed I was not loved. Because you see the person(s) responsible for loving, providing for, and protecting me was the very person(s) who rejected me in every inhuman and humiliating sense of the word.
My fragile heart was like glass put through a meat grinder. It was incapable of repair. Each time I tried to pick up the pieces in a desperate attempt to put my heart back together, the fragments of glass would cut deep into my flesh, causing further injury.
Finally, He saved me.
You see sweetheart, when life has caused your heart to shatter into irreparable pieces through your eyes, it’s but a fracture to the perfect eyes of God. He is able to do that which we are incapable of doing. We may think our heart is damaged beyond repair and it is damaged beyond *our* repair. The beauty of broken is that God is the mender of broken. We cannot mend our own brokenness, God doesn’t get glory out of us fixing ourselves. Sometimes we’ll cause further injury to ourselves in the name of fixing ourselves. We are limited as humans and from our perspective it really is unable to be repaired, but there is nothing on this earth that the merciful hands of our God is not able to restore.
Suicide Prevention Tip:
Retrain your Brain – the conquering of suicide is impossible apart from God. Remember, every action was first a thought/ idea. To combat lies you must be armed with truth. Find scripture that encourage you and memorize it. Post it on your mirror (use a memo app that will allow you to post it on your phone) put it in the signature line of your text messages, surround yourself with that scripture (it doesn’t have to be limited to one scripture, but it must be at least one). Each time the lies (masqueraded as your own thoughts/ideas) appear in your mind, annihilate it with the truth of God’s word. Think about the scripture, whisper the scripture, scream the scripture, write it down, whatever it takes. The reason for this is to intentionally train your brain to do what will eventually happen naturally – the word of God will become a shield to your heart, unable to be penetrated with lies. Rest assured dear hearts, God watches over His word to perform it.