Yes – I was being a phony. I was being two-faced.
How was I being fake?
I wasn’t being authentic with Jesus or genuine about the pain I felt. I tried to present myself to Him like “it” wasn’t bothering me because I wanted Him to know I could handle any hurt anyone directed towards me. I was hurting so much emotionally and spiritually that I honestly felt like a failure and that I letdown God because I thought by now, “These kinds of issues shouldn’t bother you, Trina. God expects more out of you. Get it together!” When in actuality, the issues did bother me and truthfully – I wasn’t ok. Yes, God did expect more out of me. He expected me to be more real with Him than the way I was behaving.
I exalted myself.
I thought I misled God (even though He knows all) into thinking I had it all under control. I wanted Him to know “I got this!” and that all He had poured into me for the last few months and years wasn’t a waste. I wanted to let Him know I was “really trying to do better and be better” at things like this – when truthfully, I wasn’t handling it (which He already knew wasn’t true).
Even as I was tooting my dictionary horn about this new word I learned –for whatever ever reason, I either thought I could hide it or I thought I was supposed to push it down and pretend to be over it. After all, that’s what a good Christian girl is supposed to do…right?
I thought because admitting my disappointment and anger over a situation that I was somehow letting God down. What a lie!
I didn’t humble myself.
Honestly, what I wanted to say to God during several months of tears was something like this:
“How could You let that happen to me? I don’t understand. I needed You Lord and where were You? Are You gonna deal with those people/that situation? Why does it feel like I have to be the bad person and feel so bad? I feel like I’m being punished. Furthermore – I can’t do this. I don’t want to and will not. How can you expect me to…after all that has happened?”
There was more to it than that, but for months and months, I never said anything like this or anything close to it. Don’t get me wrong – yes, I cried. But I just kept praying the basic prayers (Lord, help me, etc.) but I NEVER GOT REAL.
We usually don’t like to get real because getting real is too intimate. It’s too close. I didn’t want to get too real with Jesus because it hurts too much to talk about it. But yet I knew, I couldn’t continue to operate this way. It was wearing me out!!
When I did finally say to God what my attitude had been saying for months, I felt a release. But it felt like the hardest release ever! There were times in prayer that I would think of what I really wanted to say and it would take minutes to an hour for me to actually verbalize it. This took me to a deeper level with God, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. When I did finally say what was in my heart, it reminded me that I’d been carrying an unnecessary burden for too long! Instead of being honest from the get go, I tucked my pain beneath my broken heart until one day – the pain erupted.
I learned that being honest and real with God is not a sign of INFERIORITY, but rather a sign of MATURITY. The person who hides how they really feel in many ways, is carrying an attitude that says “Because this is so hard – Lord, I don’t need you. I can handle it.” While the person who is honest carries an attitude that says, “Lord. I can’t handle it. I need you BECAUSE this is so hard.”
For a person who can bow their knees before God with hands stretched up high is one who is humbled and ready to be healed. But the one who is walking tall with pain in their heart is not only full of pride, thinking they can manage it all themselves, but one who is bound to trip and will undoubtly need a savior to pick him/her up.
Beloved, don’t let it get that far and that deep. Today is the day to start that conversation with God about that ache in your heart.
Beloved, stop with all yo’ fakery!
Because if you can’t keep it real with Jesus…who can you keep it real with?
Hoping to meet you at the cross, where I laid down my fakery,