I was angry at God for years, starting at age nine, because He didn’t stop my dad from verbally and sexually abusing me. I didn’t tell anyone what dad did to me because he told me not to tell. I believed with all of my little girl heart that He COULD have stopped dad but He just WOULDN’T stop him. Since He didn’t, I decided to take care of myself. I was all alone and on my own.
I still went to church, read my Bible daily, and stayed out of trouble as much as I could. I wanted to follow Jesus. To be “a good girl” meant stuffing all of the pain deep down inside so I couldn’t feel it any more. It went so deep that I finally convinced myself the bad stuff never even happened. The truth is that all of the pain and misery still boiled inside of me. My pain came out in wrong behavior. I didn’t get addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I got addicted to my own adrenaline. I believed the lie that a man broke me so a man had to fix me. Men became my god, and I pressured them into stopping my pain. They never lived up to my expectations. When I found out that dad had molested my two daughters and my daycare girls, I could no longer deny that something was dreadfully wrong in my life. I didn’t seek help for myself, but I swallowed my pride and looked for help for my girls. What a surprise! Getting help for my girls started my own healing journey!
I believed one of the biggest lies the enemy Satan tells us is that we are alone in our suffering and misery. He tells us that no one will ever care, especially God. The enemy is correct in one respect. We stay alone in our suffering and misery as long as we believe his lie. Satan doesn’t want us to reach out to God. If we take one tiny little miniscule step in faith toward God, if we can believe there is the slightest hope that God has the answer for our pain, the enemy knows his game is over. God already gave us the answer for all of the hurt, for all of the pain. He gave us His one and only Son Jesus Christ, who is willing and able to exchange our pain for His perfect peace.
“For God so loved the world (that means you, dear reader) that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16
May you be faithful to God…even if you fall,